Squaw Creek Park Criterium - The Downward Spiral

Well, the nightmare continues, with respect to my racing season.  I wonder if I will ever wake up, or if this dream has just become my new reality.  I won't be able to persist in this downward spiral forever.  Without positive reinforcement, it simply wouldn't make sense to continue.  I loathe the thought of each upcoming race, wondering what new weakness it will expose.  Yet, I work through the psychological blocks, and try to get some positive energy flowing prior to the start.  The race occurs and I experience a disappointing situation.  I feel bad and use coping skills to get through the agony.  I try to look forward to future events, but it seems hopeless.  You don't have to be a psychiatrist to diagnose this as "Depressive Disorder".  Thankfully, it is very low grade, and actually quite a natural response to traumatizing experiences that generate negative cognitive feedback loops.  I keep re-living the failure in my head, and look forward to each passing day so that I can repress the experiences. 

DIARY OF A MADMAN
This blog may take a very dark turn if I don't experience some sort of positive stimuli from my bike racing in the near future...  I vow to keep blogging, as you may find it interesting to watch me either sink or swim.    Will I perservere, or is this just the early stages of a major life transition.  One that isn't as focused on bike racing.  My ego can't take the constant pounding... it simply isn't a pleasant feeling.  The depression carries over into other aspects of my life.  I start my Mondays after a race weekend with a huge sigh.  I rush to create new experiences so that I can distance myself from my disturbing thoughts.  I search for something that I am good at, and then do it.

THE RACE
I wasn't looking forward to this race... I simply am not in a good place right now. Too bad because I won the master's race last year and then came in third in the Cat 1/2 event.   Turned out to be one of my best results of the season.  Not the case this year.  Cold and dreary... the weather wasn't that great either.

Apparently we had 11 guys from American Equity Racing at the start line for the Cat 1,2,3 race.  This was the best part of the day... being a part of the team...  it was enjoyable warming up as a group and chatting with guys who were 'on your side'...  we communicate a lot via the Internet, so it is nice to see each other in person.

The team agenda that captain Jeff Bradley discussed prior to the race involved racing 'straight up' without regard to categories, even though the race did score the cat 1,2's separate from the cat 3's.  Keeping this in mind, we did have a pretty successful race.  Louis DeWild got in a break of three and ended up in 2nd place, and Josh Wandrey finished 5th overall.

My plan was to get to the front of this race from the start, as I have been getting pinched off the back in recent races.  I lined up in the front row and went down the hill with only a few guys sneaking up in front of me.  This worked great for a few laps, as I felt like I was actually in the race.  Unfortunately, I couldn't maintain the effort needed to stay 'in the action' and shot to the back of the pack on one of the downhills.  The field got a gap and I watched them roll away.  It took a couple of laps before they were out of sight.

Ok, what to do now?  This is where  I may have a different approach then some others.  I process the situation and then ask myself if I am planning on quitting bike racing all together or if I am going to make some adjustments and pick up a revitalized training effort...  If I am going to keep trying, then when should I start?  Why not now?  I have a closed course, a challenging hill, and nothing planned for the next hour, as I had originally marked the time for competing in a bike race.  Well, competing in the bike race didn't work out, but there isn't any point in procrastinating, so I began training for the rest of the season with the remaining 10 laps.  Instead of having a carrot up ahead to chase, I was motivated to see if I could avoid getting lapped during this 1.5 mile circuit.  Quite the challenge considering I didn't have anyone to work with.  Gary McNabb was on my wheel for quite a few laps... then a guy from Thrive took his place for awhile.  I wasn't actually expecting to rejoin the group, so I didn't mind them not rotating. 

I almost made it without getting caught, but right before the bell lap the group of three breakaway riders caught me.  It was Bryan Moritz, Louis DeWild, and Brandon Kealy (they finished in that order).  I wasn't sure if I was allowed to join their group so I just followed behind them until the nightmare ended.  Because they passed me right before the line, I technically didn't get in all 18 laps... Crap, the only thing worse then adding another DNF to my results is a "one lap behind".  The price I pay for training during a race.   I have to say, however,  the crowd was very supportive, and I appreciated their words of encouragement.

To tell you the truth, I have been DNF'ing my workouts as well.  I got dropped during a pretty easyTuesday night ride... couldn't find the energy to travel to Moline for the Wednesday night ride I had planned (a DNS?), and struggled to get through one of my standard workouts.  I started it on Tuesday, then again on Thursday, and finally got through it on Friday.  The trick was I had to do it much slower, as I kept blowing up when I tried to do it as fast as I had done it the month before.

YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST RACE
So true.  I did great at the Squaw Creek Criterium last year, but that doesn't really matter.  The past is just that... PAST.  A word of caution to anyone who is on top of their game right now... you only have one direction to go.  As sweet as success can be... it makes it just that much harder to swallow the bitter taste of failure that will be served on your plate from time to time. 

So, am I at the bottom of the spiral, or is there a bit more to go?  I am thinking I can level things out and then start climbing back up over the next couple of months.  Wait a minute, that almost seemed like a positive thought. Sweet... if I can string together a few more of those I might be able to put together a good training block this week.  later.

2012 Tour of Hermann - Criterium/Road Race

Rolling strong in the crit prior to meeting
the impact zone.

CRITERIUM - Saturday
After the morning Time Trial, it was off to the Stone Hill Winery for the Pro/1/2 criterium.  This was a 19 lap event that featured a very fast and bumpy descent and a torturous uphill climb each lap.  I surveyed the course, and was discouraged to see that the course had been shortened from last year creating a very tight right hand corner.

Essentially, after dive-bombing down the descent, sort of like a jet plane during take-off, you put on your landing brakes after only a few brief seconds of being air-born.  The course last year allowed an extra block to accommodate for the speed and had a much wider right hand turn.  Ok, I was a bit concerned, especially when I heard someone mention an "impact zone" where riders would end up, if they miscalculated the corner.

Realistically, though, the uphill portion of the course is the only real factor that comes into play.  It is very steep and separated the group after about 4 laps.  This might have had to do with the fact that the first three laps included King of the Mountain points... extra motivation for those in the hunt for Omnium points.

Each time we went up that hill was indeed torturous, especially during the early laps while we were all still trying to keep connected to the group.  The first major split occurred over the top of the climb at about 5 laps in to the race.  I ended up in the second group.  Each lap created smaller and smaller groups of riders. 

I found myself in a nice group of about 6 or 7 guys.  We were in about 22nd place at that point.  It was discouraging, with respect to our chances to get any of the ominum points that went back 16 places. However,  no one was planning on giving up, as it wasn't really a surprise that the race had gotten broken up like this.  Plus, many of the guys in this group were from Iowa, so we were sort of comparing our fitness.

I was getting into a groove on the downhill portion.  I found a nice line that navigated through a majority of the bumps.  I was fearless going down the hill, but wasn't quite as sure how fast I could go through the corner in front of the impact zone. It didn't seem to be important to take risks at this point in the race, as we were far from contending  the top 5 paying spots.  From my perspective we were basically doing a series of hill repeats, with the downhill portion of the course being a great time to recover and brace for the ascent.  Jeff Barnes (from Mercy-Specialized) would end up passing me right before the corner, which worked well, as he had a better feel for the situation. 

Unfortunately, another Mercy rider named Mario wasn't as content with this process and opted to try and pass me right when we were in the apex of the corner.  This isn't technically even possible considering the physics involved.  The inside angle was simply too tight at that speed.  So, he washed out on the corner right in front of me.  I tried to tighten my line but ran right into him and then launched over the curb into the dreaded impact zone.  Surprisingly, my equipment didn't even suffer a scratch, and I only had a little bit of blood coming out of my left elbow.  A slight bit of road rash on my left shin as well.   Apparently, I had mostly landed on Mario, as he cushioned my fall. 

Mario was slow to get up as his teammates
help him.  The hay bails weren't quite
positioned within the impact zone. 

This is an upsetting circumstance.  I especially don't enjoy cracking my helmet...  brain injuries are a serious situation.  The helmet did its job, thankfully, and I was fine.  Though, I seemed to be having trouble forming coherent sentences for the next several hours.  The adrenaline was pumping and I didn't feel like I could go on, so I paced around the grass, trying to dissipate the explosion of energy coursing through my veins.  The guy that crashed behind me was very slow to get up, mentioning a possible broken collar bone.  Mario was injured as well, and had broken his handlebar... his tour was done... In some ways I was 'lucky'.

So, the walk of shame back up to the start/finish as I enviously watched the race go on.  I was most upset that I wasn't getting the training.  Essentially, it would be nice to get a result at the Tour Of Hermann, but the early season training is what really brings me down here... win or lose, you will always have a good experience, assuming you don't crash out.

ROAD RACE - Sunday
Well, that just leaves one more event, the 90 mile road race.  I was a little shook up from the crit, but optimistic that I could get in some quality mileage against some of the best riders in the Midwest.  It ended up being a cold day.  I mainly mention this because it was so hot last year.  I went through 8 bottles and still needed more.  Not the case this year, as it was only about 53 degrees.

We paraded through town, but then hit the first hill hard...at least it was hard to me.  Crap, it simply shouldn't have felt that hard.  Was someone attacking already?  The first hill didn't seem to end.  Unfortunately, it was soon followed by another and another and another.  This was only unfortunate because I wasn't as strong as I needed to be to hang on. 

The saddest feeling you can have during a race... getting dropped.

It was only a matter of time before the inevitable happened.    I had plenty of time to think about my training and areas that I needed to improve. My toes were cold, nose was running, and arms were chilled... I wouldn't have had any reservations to finish this race had it been as hot as last year, but being cold and lonely wasn't really working out. 

I occasionally road with groups of guys from my race, but mostly just rode solo.  I reminded myself that I would be doing the same thing in Iowa, so I might as well enjoy some good mileage on this very challenging terrain.  Plus,  teammate Paul Deninger was still out on the course, so I wouldn't be able to drive home until he finished.  Keeping that in mind, I completed two laps and then reluctantly called it a weekend. 

I was really impressed with the Mercy-Specialized team from Iowa.  They brought a very large team for both the men and women and enjoyed a successful tour.  In fact, Mathias Perret and Kim Eppen came in 6th and 1st in the general classification respectively.   Of course, teammate Paul Deninger was solid as ever this weekend... that guy definately knows a lot about bike racing and has the fitness to back it up.

I don't regret going to the Tour of Hermann, it is a great event... one of a kind really.  The field this year was much stronger and larger than last year and my fitness may not have been as effective.  This serves as a wake up call.  I am making some adjustments to my training and diet... I found this experience to be extremely motivating.  I love a challenge, and apparently I have a lot of work to do to get back up to the front part of the results against Cat 1's.  I am up for the fight and have targeted some mid-summer races to be back on form.  Alas, the next few races will be very tentative as I am still in recovery mode.  My confidence is in the rebuilding stages.  It will all come together at some point, and I am excited to look forward to realizing some rewarding experiences in future events.

2012 Tour of Hermann - Part One

Dang... this event ended up being a bit of a troubling experience for me... I gained may things, but positive reinforcement for my cycling lifestyle was not one of them...  I definitely cracked hard after Hillsboro... my weight ballooned and my self-confidence was tentative...  so many 'excuses' but I will try to keep that down to a minimum... though it is nice to vent, so my apologies...
Tour of Herman TT

The Tour of Hermann TT start-house.

The idea was to dig as deep as possible to post a solid time in the TT in hopes of getting some points toward the omnium that went back 16 places.  The TT is a 14 mile out-and-back course that includes quite a few steep out of the saddle type inclines.  Not really my specialty, but a fitting profile for this event, known for its challenging terrain.

I was feeling great when I was warming up... ok, except for the fact that it actually was quite chilly... unlike last year, this year's event was a bit brisk.  Actually, it was probably the exact perfect temp for posting fast times for the TT.  I had to wear full gloves and a base layer, but didn't really think about the temperature at all once things got rolling.

I took off feeling good and pretty confident.  I had a chance to ride my TT bike a few times this year, since we had some mild temps in Iowa.   I also brought more appropriate gearing for the course, remembering how steep the climb was at mile 4.

The field this year was definitely at a higher level.  A guy was wearing the stars and stripes USA pro TT champion jersey, for example... ok, 1st place was off the table.  Another guy had on some sort of USA cycling champ skinsuit as well... A pro from bissel and garmin, etc.  As is always the case, good races grow each year and get tougher.

I executed accordingly out on the course and my effort was solid.   I had a better result than last year. I shaved some time off (I think, unless they shortened the course), and posted an improved average speed.  I checked out the results before the last wave and was happy to see that I was in 9th place... perfect!

Oops, all the big guns chose to roll out on the last wave... I watched my time plummet to 20th out of about 42 Pro/1/2 starters.  Dang... this is going to be a tougher field than last year.   TT Results (includes competitors from the entire event). Teammate Paul Deninger, however held on for 11th, so we were happy to have some points on the board.

I will post the report from the criterium that happened later that day and the road race in a few days once I can find some pictures.  Check back if you like reading reports from riders who had "bad days"... 

In the meantime, I am researching ways to induce anorexia nervosa:  Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by excessive food restriction and fear, irrational fear of gaining weight, and a distorted body self-perception. It typically involves excessive weight loss.

This sounds like exactly what I need to improve my cycling... namely excessive weight loss. I also need to have more of a distorted body self-perception.  Lately, I have been liking the way my body looks. Ridiculous, I am 5 pounds heavier than I was at the Tour of Hermann last year... I just can't seem to stop doing push-ups... Hmm, all those donuts aren't helping either.  Younger guys with inherent talent and good genetics can get by with having a normal build... not me, I need to look ill to be bike fit.  I have been getting compliments from non-cyclists regarding how healthy I look.  This has been devasting to my self-confidence.  I know what that means... and it is nothing but trouble with respect to maximizing my power to weight ratio... So please, let me know once I am starting to look sick... I need a pick-me-up, and that will make me feel a lot better.

Hillsboro Roubaix... "I Can't See Clearly Now..."

"... the Rain Won't Go Away"...

The Pro, 1,2 field as it journeys along the slippery course early on in the 87 mile event.

My race was over the night before this event, as I glanced at the weather forecast and noticed that there was a 70% chance of thunderstorms at the race start.  I loaded up my 'training gear' anticipating lots of equipment damage.  Oh well, there is always next time.  I decided to follow through with my commitment to race, mainly because I didn't want to stick one of my teammates with the bill for a full room fee, since we had reserved them as a block.  Yeah, I know, this is a pathetic situation so far... but just be glad I have to the courage to even post a report, considering that much of the experience was basically a nightmare. 

Many pre-registered riders decided not to race considering the rain that was drenching the course... a course that is already infamous for its narrow, tire-shredding, ego-deflating tendencies.  This race is so popular, however, that their spots were soon filled... and 100 Pro/Cat 1,2's started off on our journey.   The female referee acknowledged our masculinity, referring to our courage to enter the race despite the conditions.  This was a chance to proudly display your 'man-card'...

Why... you may ask... well, you see, everyone in this race is completely focused on only one thing... Staying  near (but not at) THE FRONT. Basically, if you aren't moving forward, you are moving backward.  So, 100 skilled, experienced, and accomplished competitors were all very urgently trying to get nestled in to the top 30 spots.  The course twists and turns, and is very narrow, so gaps form often around the corners.  I don't care who you are, or what steroid you have injected, you aren't going to catch back on to this field if you are at the back of the field.  By the time the lead guy makes it around the corner and is cruising along at over 30mph 100 yards up the road,  the guys in back are still creeping around the corner at about 10mph... it is virtually impossible to catch back up.  Sure you can do it for awhile, but eventually all the extra energy you waste gets the best of you.

So, all 100 of us can't make it to the front.  Hmm, how should we decide who gets to stay in this race, and who gets relegated to the back?  Basically comes down to who wants it more... the "Bike Bullies"... perhaps... the guys at the playground that mock the weak and push there way to the front of the lunch line... they seem to be the ones who prosper in these circumstances.

I could suggest that those with the most courage make it to the front... but, in actuality it is way more dangerous to be in the back of large pelotons.  Statistically, you are far, far, more likely to get caught up in a crash.  So, they don't necessarily have more courage... they aren't smarter (we all know we should be at the front)... they are just more assertive about getting there.  Sort of Darwinism (survival of the fittest)... only the strong survive.  If you have the slightest reservation about the situation, you will lose a ton of places and be at the back of this race.

Iowa racer, Brian Eppen, had success getting to the front of the race, and even managed to establish a three-man
breakaway group that stayed away most of the race.  Unfortunately, a flat tire eventually cost him his chance at victory.

One of the many decisions to make when it starts to rain is whether or not to wear protective eye wear.  Teammate Paul Deninger suggested that it is impossible to see with glasses on, but I noticed others in the field had them on, so I kept them on.  What was I thinking?  Just like a windshield on a car, you simply can't see when it is raining unless you have some way of clearing off the lens.  So, honestly, I couldn't see what in the hell was going on at the start of this race. 

Unfortunately, success in this race depends on executing a great start ... Everyone is trying so urgently to get in front of the next guy, creating a huge amount of inertia.  No one is actually putting the hammer down, so-to-speak, rather they are just trying to stay in front of the handlebars of the guy next to them... if everyone is doing this, then the speed accelerates until it reaches critical mass.  Add the corners, wind, and narrow roads and it wasn't long before the guys in the back were pinched off.

"Can you see me now?"... I definitely can't see you... He, he... I can't even see myself in the photos... very ironic.   

Where was I?  I am thinking that I am the guy in this photo (above) in the blurred out black/green kit... not sure. Still in the race, but not enjoying myself much.  I can't even remember when I got 'dropped'... I really didn't have any idea what was going on... I couldn't see anything, so had no idea where I was or what I was doing.  Sure others had glasses on, and couldn't see anything either, and they did better... it all depended on how you let limited visibility and slippery roads effect you.  Some guys thrive in these conditions... they just have a different internal tolerance to treacherous conditions.  Those guys were smiling at the end of this event...

At some point, the obvious happens, a crash occurs and I maneuver myself into the ditch.  I think this is about where I lost contact with the main field, but there were still so many guys around me that it is hard to say.  At about 20 miles in, however, I was very definitely riding in a much smaller 'chase pack'.  I wasn't completely disappointed, because I finally got a chance to take off my sunglasses ("I can see clearly now").  I literally started singing that song by Johnny Nash.  "Ahh"... Ok, now I just had to contend with the mud being propelled toward my eyeballs.   Do I protect my long-term vision, or my short-term injury exposure?  I went short term.. I have seen a lot in my time on this planet, perhaps blindness wouldn't be so bad.


Good picture that illustrates the effects of the precipitation.
(photos by Dennis Flickinger)

With my new ability to see what was going on, I was happy to notice that I was in a group of some pretty noteworthy guys, including former pro Brian Jensen (Trek/Tradewind) and a guy from the Bissel Pro Development Team.   Hmm, we might just be able to catch back on.  I was trading pulls with these guys, and noticing that not everyone in our group felt comfortable contributing to the chase.  Probably because some of the pulls were downright torturous... these were some strong guys.  I was happy to be getting some good riding in. 

Brian Jensen jokingly suggested that maybe there would be a mass pile-up in the main field that would give us a chance to get back in the race. I appreciated his sense of humor, because ultimately none of us were happy to be chasing the field.  Alas, more carnage presented itself, and we actually got back around the Pro 1,2 follow car.  Maybe my overall placing would end up being a bit more respectable after all.

The race organizer always reminds participants to put on a new set of tires, due to the large number of flats that this race causes.  Dang, I had put on my older set of tires/wheels.  Sure enough, at mile 52 my race officially ended, as I flatted and the group left me behind.  I tried my Vittoria Pit Stop... of course, the hole in my tire was too large.  I hobbled in, deciding to cross the line for two laps, avoiding the dreaded "DNF"... though, in fact, I didn't finish.  I did however crack my HED Stinger carbon rear wheel.  OUCH!  What an expensive insult to add to my mental injury.

This race does indeed have a lot in common with its namesake "Paris Roubaix".  I actually feel like I can relate to the pros I watched on TV the week before.   The narrow roads stretch the field out, making position of utmost importance, just like in Paris.  Thankfully, this is pretty much the hardest race of my season (with respect to the quality of the field and skill/experience level needed to succeed). Sort of re-assuring, as I can now pick on some kids my own size in future events. 


These Bissel/Nuvo guys must actually be "Pros"...

they swept the podium... nice.



FYI... I have never regretted  entering a race... I have only regretted not starting a race that I had already decided to do... so, rest assured, I am glad that I participated in this legendary event, and look forward to utilizing the newly acquired perspectives and experiences.


---2012 Hillsboro Roubaix Pro 1,2 Results --