Spring Season Existential Angst

I'm pretty fired up after reading about Existential philosphies.  I am invigorated to take responsibility for the fact that I am free to re-invent myself, and do not need to settle for a stale identity.  I can live an authentic life that engages me in activities that I feel are worthwhile, rather than merely reflecting a lifestyle that I feel is expected.  I am driven to connect with others, make committments, and become that which I am capable of becoming.

I am not going to blame others, be a victim, or wait for my environment to change.  It is my responsibility to experience life to its fullest.  No longer will I live life in a clumsy fashion.   Pedalling along aimlessly, mile after mile, alone on the rolling hills of Illinois.   Rather, my cycling lifestyle is shifting to a less competitive, more 'big picture' oriented perspective.  Beating other people is 'nice', but 'winning' is the goal.  Everyone who enters a race can 'win' depending on their attitude.

KENT PARK
Ok, it has begun.  I didn't enter the race, and had already arranged a weekend getaway that day to make sure I didn't succumb to my past bike-related obsessions.  Mission accomplished, as the race registration is closed.  So, no Kent Park for me this year... that is going to be 'different'.

I am a recovering cycling addict... I want to find more balance...  My training was so often isolating, which made sense at certain times in my life, but those times have past.  I am now strong enough to a lead a life in which I don't hide from my existential anxieties by burying myself in an obsessive training/racing calendar.   Once I stopped pedalling and took a good look around, I had to ask myself "where am I"?...

Well, I have arrived at a new vantage point, that will allow me to race my bike in an more healthy manner.  To that end, I am hoping to start my racing season a couple months later than in years past.  I can see why everyone is so hell-bent on getting out on the open roads, but there are 8 solid months to ride a bike comfortably... Nov 15th-Mar15th are NOT those times.  Actually, this has more to do with my occupational interests.  I simply have more free time in the summer, so that is when I will most appreciate having an active cycling agenda as part of my lifestyle.

Balance is the goal this year... I don't want to miss out on LIVING because I have my head buried far down into an AeroTT position, watching the pavement...  I want to look up and see where I am going, enjoy where I have been, and authentically appreciate where I AM.

Sequestered - The upside of isolation

Well, that last post was ridiculous, but suggests that I am not really that serious about racing my bike as of yet.  I am staying in shape, but currently pre-occupied with developing my group fitness instruction expertise and finishing up my master's degree.

Yes, I took a stab at losing weight, but after three weeks of 'trying' I realized that I would have to cannibalize some muscle to get the scale to budge, and I am not quite willing to compromise my physique so that I can climb a hill a few seconds faster.  Alas, I am just not that stoked about racing my bike yet.

Part of it has to do with being isolated.  In the past, I had a team to connect with.  Well, a lot as changed as everyone on Velosport (can't really call it American Equity anymore because they aren't sponsoring us, so I guess we are back to being a club team) is doing their own thing.  I used to also be able to stay connected with the sport by attending the Friday night roller races down at the local bike shop.  However, I haven't found the motivation to go down there this year, and sort of burnt out on doing the exact same workout year after year. 

So, I stay in shape with a pretty effective cycling and strength routine that I created using knowledge and experience I have acquired over the years.  I have tried 'connecting' by reading some articles on VeloNews, but there is always an article on Lance Armstrong that ends up discouraging my cycling even more.   Cycling is literally the laughing stock of the country right now (quips were made on "Modern Family" and "Parks and Recreation" for example), which isn't helping my morale.  I really wish I could have continued to live in denial, as the world was a much better place for everyone prior to exposing the 'truth'.  Oh well.

So, I am sequestering myself to my house for the next several weekends, as I would really like to finish up my last two courses.  I can knock off 3 or 4 chapters a weekend if I knuckle down.  The coursework is one of the reasons I don't blog as much, nor get as desperate to race my bike... I have other things going on that are equally fulfilling.  And, with so many papers to write, it is hard to justify using that energy to blog.

All it will take is a little 'boredom' to get me back on track for racing my bike.  I am staying in good shape so I am ready for whatever way my momentum shifts.  Currently, I think I may partake in a little 'protest' of sorts, as I really do like riding indoors compared to outside in the cold.  To this end, it is frustrating that so many races happen in the spring, then everything seems to fizzle out in the summer (June 22nd to Sept. 21st).  Summer is my favorite time to be on a bike... so maybe I will boycott the spring season.  Anyway, let me finish up my school work, so I can focus on whatever my next big goal becomes.  Maybe it will be bike related... if so, then I will continue chasing life on the bike...

Backed Up on the Porcelain Podium

As I am wrapping up my psych degree, I find myself even more curious about human nature.  I sometimes hear that people think psychologists/therapists are always analyzing people.  The gal counselors at WIU claimed that they weren't, and they probably weren't... Cognitive types like myself... we are.   Pop in my brain, and enter a frightening world where I am trying to 'figure you out'.   I am tempted to drop my FB account for example, but I love diagnosing the different personality mal-adaptations that surface, so I am an avid online voyeur.  Along, those lines, I wondered if people would read a blog post about constipation, a behavioral experiment of sorts.

Are you still reading?  It is fine, if you stop, but that would be odd, because you have made it this far, and I might have something useful to say about bowel movements. 

A 'podium trophy' of a different sort.

Anyway, the aging process is another phenomenon that I enjoy analyzing.  For example, I never used to pay attention to Ex-Lax or Dulcolax commercials when I was younger.  But, alas, I have started my annual winter body metrics adaptations and have been very sensitive to how much I weigh each morning. 

Yes, I know "weight is just a number"... well, a lot of things are 'just numbers' and they are very useful data within the world of science and technological advancement.  So, should my fecal matter count as my 'weight'?  Someone told me (an aspiring nutritionist) that you can amass 30 extra pounds of extra digestive material in your intestines.  Yikes... that would be 'dead weight' cycling up a hill.  If you know anything about me, from reading this blog, then you will know that I took this suggestion to heart and immediately began researching colon cleansing.  I want to get everything out of my 'guts' and see where I am at.  Maybe if I can master the art of laxative scheduling I can increase my power to weight ratio by 'eliminating' prior to every race.  A nice 5 pound pre-race evacuation could be the difference between getting on the podium, and suffering on the porcelain podium later that night... lamenting about what 'could have been' had you only found the internal fortitude to force out the excessive feces that was weighing you down. 

Speaking of forcing out fecal matter... during my research I learned that if you push too hard during your bowel movements you can actually expel portions of your intestines.  So, I have mixed feelings about my new performance enhancing training agendas. How hard to push the issue, seems to be the relevant question.

Speaking of pathology, athletes are susceptible to bulimia...  and yes, if I do start consuming laxatives to get my pre-race weight down, I will fit the diagnosis. 

And, speaking of talking shit...  Is Lance Armstrong a narcissist?  Of course.  Are you?  Chances are if you are a 'successful' competitive athlete you may have a touch of it... Narcissists are so self-involved and sensitive to defeat/criticism that they find that extra motivation to train and conquer.  This doesn't mean it is healthy, per se, just that it is why we know his name in the first place.  Personality disorders are not 'all bad'.  Staring at yourself in the mirror, and not liking what you see, could be what motivates you to start eating right and join a health club, for example. 

Type A personalities are more prone to heart disease due to their hostile/aggressive reactions... They are also very competitive compared to the Type B personalities.  If you have been in a race, you have crossed paths with a Type A personality.  If you enjoy racing for the competition, then you are a Type A personality...   Getting 'mad' because you got second place motivates future efforts, though it may shorten your lifespan a bit.   Being content with your improved health and current happiness regardless of the result is great, but doesn't win races.  So, do you want to 'win' or 'live'?  Can't you have both?  I think so, at least it is fun to try.  And speaking of trying, I am going to try to eat nothing but juice today... ridiculous.

Back in the Saddle

Rolling at Harper's Cycling for the 2 Mile Indoor TT Race.

Ok, I like 'blogging' but it isn't completely devoid of sacrifices.  For example, I was perfectly fine enjoying my afternoon without a cheesy Aerosmith song in my head.  But, alas, "I am back"... and as promised, I will begin blogging again, now that I have officially decided to race my bike again in 2013.  It felt good to put on the AE/Velosport kit and renew my license.  The jersey fit a bit tighter than I remember, however, but my result at today's indoor time trial (roller race) was reinforcing.


I totally lost focus, and actually began to resent cycling for a bit.  You may think I am kidding you, but I am still upset about this Lance Armstrong situation...  Don't mess with my role model... nothing good will come of it...  on the other hand, why make a bad situation worse by disowning the sport.  I could go off on a 10 page rant, but it is hurting my brain thinking about it, and I still have that crappy Aerosmith song in my head, so I will digress.


Here I am racing, alongside Dewey Dickey at the 2010 Bikes, Blues, BBQ event in Clear Lake, Iowa. 
(Seems releveant, for reasons I will elect not to disclose).

Here I am racing, alongside Lance Armstrong at a racing event in 2010 when he was on the Astana squad.
(Seems releveant, for reasons I will elect not to disclose).

I respect both of those guys... alot.... maybe I will process my opinions in a later post, as this is probably confusing.

In other news...The American Equity/Velosport team is in a major transition... It isn't going to be anything like it was in 2011/12.  I remember how proud I was when Lou asked me to be on the team and told me the details of the sponsorship and the caliber of rider's on the team...  Racing on this team in 2011 was one of the highlights of my amateur cycling career.   2012 was a bit of a struggle for me, but there were plenty of highlights, and I learned a lot about the concept of 'team', and feel inspired to find a better balance between personal and group interests.

Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, we lost most of the Cat 1,2 team this year (Luke Guyton, Matt Zimmer, JJ Bailey, Louis DeWild, and most likely Kevin Severs, etc. ).   Luke and Matt, for example, decided to accept a great offer from Grand Performance.

However, the core group is still very much intact.  Lou Waugaman, Jeff Bradley, Paul Deninger, for instance.  We will be much more laid back this year, as we don't have the same situation as in 2011/12.  This could actually set the stage for a very enjoyable year.

My results at Saturday's race were very rewarding.  Local event newsman Brad Hesford took some video footage and posted it on his site, the Vision of Muscatine.  I am encouraged that I am able to use my sports performance knowledge, education,  and experience to my advantage, even despite the fact that I really have had trouble finding motivation to race my bike, as of late.  I trained less, but achieved the same result.

Bike racing isn't about results for me... it is about affiliating my self with the 'right tribe' of people, and enjoying the social, physical, and mental health aspects of the culture. (suspicious... if it isn't about 'results' then why were my results 'rewarding'. )

Having said that...  I got a bit carried away with my upper body strength work, and will need to shed at least 10 pounds if I hope to have a shot in hell of being competitive once gravity becomes a factor.  I have 10 weeks until my first outdoor test, and I think I am right where I need to be.