Squaw Creek Park Criterium - The Downward Spiral

Well, the nightmare continues, with respect to my racing season.  I wonder if I will ever wake up, or if this dream has just become my new reality.  I won't be able to persist in this downward spiral forever.  Without positive reinforcement, it simply wouldn't make sense to continue.  I loathe the thought of each upcoming race, wondering what new weakness it will expose.  Yet, I work through the psychological blocks, and try to get some positive energy flowing prior to the start.  The race occurs and I experience a disappointing situation.  I feel bad and use coping skills to get through the agony.  I try to look forward to future events, but it seems hopeless.  You don't have to be a psychiatrist to diagnose this as "Depressive Disorder".  Thankfully, it is very low grade, and actually quite a natural response to traumatizing experiences that generate negative cognitive feedback loops.  I keep re-living the failure in my head, and look forward to each passing day so that I can repress the experiences. 

DIARY OF A MADMAN
This blog may take a very dark turn if I don't experience some sort of positive stimuli from my bike racing in the near future...  I vow to keep blogging, as you may find it interesting to watch me either sink or swim.    Will I perservere, or is this just the early stages of a major life transition.  One that isn't as focused on bike racing.  My ego can't take the constant pounding... it simply isn't a pleasant feeling.  The depression carries over into other aspects of my life.  I start my Mondays after a race weekend with a huge sigh.  I rush to create new experiences so that I can distance myself from my disturbing thoughts.  I search for something that I am good at, and then do it.

THE RACE
I wasn't looking forward to this race... I simply am not in a good place right now. Too bad because I won the master's race last year and then came in third in the Cat 1/2 event.   Turned out to be one of my best results of the season.  Not the case this year.  Cold and dreary... the weather wasn't that great either.

Apparently we had 11 guys from American Equity Racing at the start line for the Cat 1,2,3 race.  This was the best part of the day... being a part of the team...  it was enjoyable warming up as a group and chatting with guys who were 'on your side'...  we communicate a lot via the Internet, so it is nice to see each other in person.

The team agenda that captain Jeff Bradley discussed prior to the race involved racing 'straight up' without regard to categories, even though the race did score the cat 1,2's separate from the cat 3's.  Keeping this in mind, we did have a pretty successful race.  Louis DeWild got in a break of three and ended up in 2nd place, and Josh Wandrey finished 5th overall.

My plan was to get to the front of this race from the start, as I have been getting pinched off the back in recent races.  I lined up in the front row and went down the hill with only a few guys sneaking up in front of me.  This worked great for a few laps, as I felt like I was actually in the race.  Unfortunately, I couldn't maintain the effort needed to stay 'in the action' and shot to the back of the pack on one of the downhills.  The field got a gap and I watched them roll away.  It took a couple of laps before they were out of sight.

Ok, what to do now?  This is where  I may have a different approach then some others.  I process the situation and then ask myself if I am planning on quitting bike racing all together or if I am going to make some adjustments and pick up a revitalized training effort...  If I am going to keep trying, then when should I start?  Why not now?  I have a closed course, a challenging hill, and nothing planned for the next hour, as I had originally marked the time for competing in a bike race.  Well, competing in the bike race didn't work out, but there isn't any point in procrastinating, so I began training for the rest of the season with the remaining 10 laps.  Instead of having a carrot up ahead to chase, I was motivated to see if I could avoid getting lapped during this 1.5 mile circuit.  Quite the challenge considering I didn't have anyone to work with.  Gary McNabb was on my wheel for quite a few laps... then a guy from Thrive took his place for awhile.  I wasn't actually expecting to rejoin the group, so I didn't mind them not rotating. 

I almost made it without getting caught, but right before the bell lap the group of three breakaway riders caught me.  It was Bryan Moritz, Louis DeWild, and Brandon Kealy (they finished in that order).  I wasn't sure if I was allowed to join their group so I just followed behind them until the nightmare ended.  Because they passed me right before the line, I technically didn't get in all 18 laps... Crap, the only thing worse then adding another DNF to my results is a "one lap behind".  The price I pay for training during a race.   I have to say, however,  the crowd was very supportive, and I appreciated their words of encouragement.

To tell you the truth, I have been DNF'ing my workouts as well.  I got dropped during a pretty easyTuesday night ride... couldn't find the energy to travel to Moline for the Wednesday night ride I had planned (a DNS?), and struggled to get through one of my standard workouts.  I started it on Tuesday, then again on Thursday, and finally got through it on Friday.  The trick was I had to do it much slower, as I kept blowing up when I tried to do it as fast as I had done it the month before.

YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST RACE
So true.  I did great at the Squaw Creek Criterium last year, but that doesn't really matter.  The past is just that... PAST.  A word of caution to anyone who is on top of their game right now... you only have one direction to go.  As sweet as success can be... it makes it just that much harder to swallow the bitter taste of failure that will be served on your plate from time to time. 

So, am I at the bottom of the spiral, or is there a bit more to go?  I am thinking I can level things out and then start climbing back up over the next couple of months.  Wait a minute, that almost seemed like a positive thought. Sweet... if I can string together a few more of those I might be able to put together a good training block this week.  later.